Don't Do It!

PORN FOR CHICKS





WE LIKE IT GAY
If you are ready to take it to the next level, homo-erotic love between two men is the way to go. The visual stimulation of dudes getting it on for their own benefit is a hundred times better than watching pony tail guy in straight porn grunt out an orgasm. We like to think of this as a humanitarian gesture, like Feed the World or Live Aid, but different. That's right: two guys fucking. Preferably sweaty and shaved.

Gay porn on the whole seems a little more advanced. Good, hard, nasty lesbian amateur is great to get you out of a self-conscious funk. Watching a skinny woman scream and squirt as a hot chubby girl whips leather across her back and twists both fists up her vagina in Bathroom Sluts (SIR, 1999) can make you drop your diet, chuck your compact and wish you had it so good.

WE LIKE IT LOUD
Eyes of Desire (Femme Productions, 1998) is directed and produced by ex-porn star Candida Royalle and it's near perfect. It's less instructional but more educational and the orgasms are off the hook. If you ever thought that female orgasms are silent, polite or dainty, Royalle proves you wrong. The porn stars in this movie cum like it's the apocalypse and it's so real you have to turn down the volume. We recommend watching the film next to a mirror and imitating Chloe's orgasm faces, then trying them out in bed once you're on the right track.

"I have been making porn for women and couples for sixteen years and women can't seem to get enough of it," says Royalle, one of the few female porn directors in the field. "Women are demanding more context in their porn," she explains. "DPs and cum shots are no longer enough."

WE LIKE IT WEIRD
"Animal Farm was the first porno I ever saw and I kind of wrote them off after that," says a New York viewing-session member we'll call Michelle. "My friend busted it out when I was eleven. It was her dad's. There was sucking off monkeys, little monkey feet wrapped around the head. Four Ecuadorians holding a donkey against the wall for better access. We were like, 'Oh my god! Holy shit! Can you believe it?' For years I kept seeing that goat's head and hearing it bleat. Every time I looked at her father I couldn't get that sound out of my head. Needless to say I didn't stay over much after that. I wish I could get my hands on that tape today though."

Our research and discussions are making it quite clear that women do not get off watching animals get fucked. The novelty makes us laugh, though. Weird pornos help alleviate the boredom and they give you great ideas. We would never have thought of the genius of smoking a cigarette out of our pussies, for example, until we saw Emmanuelle (Just Jaeckin, 1974). We also discovered that painting our bodies blue, shaving our heads and filming interpretive dances to Enya could be really hot, thanks to the film Messy Girls (Flash Films, 1995).

WE LIKE IT RETRO
The kitsch of 70s porn is proof that porn had its heyday during the era of disco, cocaine and letting your bush grow out. Deep Throat (Arrow, 1972) and The Opening of Misty Beethoven (VCA, 1976) are classics that are becoming masturbation staples for women in need of that totally fluffy, bushy and doe-eyed look from the good ol' days.

Only recently have directors started understanding that women don't want to see mustachioed mullet-laden guys with mesh tank-tops banging it out on the hood of a two-toned Camaro. We want to see ourselves on-screen in the center of the action wearing Manolo Blahniks and silk stockings while getting fucked up the ass. Unfortunately, stylized porn made especially for women is far and few between.

Films like IKU and Rape Me aren't bad, but they aren't really hardcore. As we see it, there just isn't enough porn out there to satisfy a raunchy girl's heart. We need some really creative, hot, intelligent porn featuring women like us in fashionable duds, with luscious guys, an imaginative soundtrack and massive female orgasms.

Is anyone listening?

Porn for chicks is the next big thing and if we don't see some of it soon, we're going to have to make it ourselves.


Joanna Zychowicz

Make Your Own Dildo!





1 MAKE YOUR OWN DILDO
“Hey you, go fuck yourself,” OK I will, “What?” Oh, I made a latex dildo that is an exact replica of my dick so fucking myself is no probs. Come to think of it, double stuffing my girlfriend and then fucking her while I get a blowjob is also no probs. Oh yeah, and when I’m away; having phone sex with her while she fucks herself with my dick is also no probs. Neither is giving it to ex-girlfriends so they never get over me. That too is no probs. See ya.
Check www.makeyourowndildo.com or call 1 (800) 515-7121

2 iTunes and iPod
Making mix tapes was a great time and everything but when you put on 3LW as a joke it starts getting on your nerves and you have to re-record the whole thing to get rid of it. Making playlists in iTunes however is so fucking fun it’s actually better than listening to music. Like the guy in High Fidelity that likes to re-order his records all the time, you get to put your stuff into categories like, “classic punk, 80s shit, dirty south” and then assemble and re-assemble great mixes. The best is when you have a problem like, “Shit, how am I going to go from my oi set into Gold Chains?” and then you remember, “Oh I’ll just segue it with one of those cockney spoken word things from Garry Johnson.” And if you don’t have it you can go steal it online. It’s fucking limitless.

3 SPAMFIRE
The amount of junk mail in your inbox has more than tripled over the past year and it’s growing exponentially. Depressing no? “No” actually, because no matter how invasive and annoying corporate advertisers get, The People will always be one step ahead (See The VICE Guide to Happiness on p.88). Designed by email genius Michael Herrick, Spamfire is a magical piece of user-friendly software that filters out spam by checking for things like dollar signs, the word diet and website addresses. Before it deletes them, it puts them in a box for you to peruse but once the program gets familiar with your friend list you don’t even have to check the spam box anymore. The best part is the window called “Revenge” wherein you get to “bug the WebBugs” by clogging their website with messages like “You piss me off.”

Check www.matterform.com for the latest version. It’s only for Mac now but the Windows version is almost ready.

4 DISH
The only thing worse than sitting on hold at Time Warner Cable is that horrible recording of a woman’s voice saying, “we’re committed to being the best.” Satellite TV is way cheaper and way more fun. You love it when you get it but after the first month you realize all the rad things you weren’t using like the no-talking radio channels with infinite classical or classic rock (and it says what the songs are) or the info button that tells you about the movie you’re watching or the fucking hard drive it has where you can record your favorite shows the same way Tivo does.

5 MEDICATED GOLD BOND
Unbeknownst to broads, men have some very serious swimsuit area problems of their own. Anal chaffing (caused by moisture and hair wearing down the crack skin until it is as raw as vivisection) is something men only admit to in closed spaces. They fashion toilet paper into “manpons” and wedge it into their crack in a desperate attempt to dry shit out down there. Well fret no more chappies. All you have to do is: 1 wipe your ass with Wet Wipes, 2 dry it thoroughly with toilet paper, 3 lambaste it with Extra Strength Gold Bond, and BOOM you are done. Go wear plastic leather pants to New Mexico and take a four-hour hike in the desert. See? Cured.





6 RIM
We’ve always been pro-ass eating (women don’t shit) but what’s a bad boy gonna do when she’s not there for you? Cheat? Oooh gross, stranger ass. No you’re not going to cheat, you’re going to go buy a nice bottle of ass-flavored water and reminisce. I can’t believe I spelt reminisce right the first try.

7 BOX SETS
After you have about 300 CDs or so they kind of blend into a big blob of music. It seems the more you have the less you have to listen to. And if some poor bastard doesn’t have some exciting text going down the spine you may not notice the fucker for years at a time. That’s why we love box sets so much. We’ve barely listened to the Misfits coffin box set, true, and even in the liner notes for the new New Order box set the band admits they never listen to them either but, and New Order second this emotion, they are so Christmas present cozy nice that you just have to have them. Plus they look great on top of your stereo cabinet.

8 PEANUTS DANCING
Remember that scene where they’re all dancing to that amazing piano riff? How great is that? Everyone is on the dancefloor and everyone is giving 110% (Andrew WK would be proud). You could show that cartoon to someone having a bad trip on acid and they’d dry their tears with their sleeve going, “that’s kind of cool” the way little kids do when you convince them to stop crying by being funny (“don’t tell Mom, don’t tell Mom, hey hey look at me, farty farty poo poo”).

9 Night Glasses
Talk about perpetual optimism. Blue has never been so bluey. The only problem with night glasses (so named because they take the glare out of headlights) is you never want to take them off. The yellow lenses make the whole world look like a beautiful happy place, like E for your eyeballs.

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JOIN CREATIVE RESISTANCE!


George Bush says democratic protest is irrelevant, and Tony Blair says the anti-war majority is flat-out wrong. We need new ways to fight for peace, and activists are answering the call–with a virtual march on Washington and much, much more. Welcome to the world of "war jamming."



























[ Create Your Own Print Ad]

Excuse me
But I just have to
Explode
Explode this body
Off me

I'll be brand new
Brand new tomorrow
A little bit tired
But brand new

.